Taking Life One Day at a Time

Can you tell I'm bored, and that I've become great at procrastinating with schoolwork? I should be doing a ton of reading right now, but when I read, I'm not absorbing the words. Probably because I'm exhausted. I've found I have most energy in the beginning of the day, and it dwindles down from there. So, tomorow morning over coffee I plan on plowing through most of the reading I need to get done for 2 out of the 3 assignments I need to complete by Tuesday. I'm 90% sure I am going to take Monday off. As much as I don't want to, I'm not going to feel bad about it because I don't plan on taking any time off (except for paid holidays) between next week, and the time Garrett comes home. I'll be here in San Diego for the holidays, and might as well go to work between Christmas and New Years because a) no one will be there and b) its easy money and I'll have nothing else to do ;) But, everyday counts between now and Dec 11th when school is over..so might as well take Monday to get school work done (I have 1 paper due Monday night, 2 due sometime on Tuesday) plus spend a little more time with my mom before she leaves Tuesday morning. Anyway..enough rambling about that!

( More Rambling.. )
Anyway..I'm off to snuggle with Jack..more shopping to do tomorrow ;)

Thanksgiving seemed like just another day, seeing that I didn't go to a friends house, or have people over. It's the first Thanksgiving I think..ever..where it's just been my mom and I. Usually I try to have a big group of people over (those who don't have family locally, or single marines/sailors/whatever that can't make it home for the holidays..friends of friends that wouldn't have anyone to share the day with..) but I guess being pregnant this year, I was just too tired to throw something together, especially seeing that Garrett isn't here for it. I pretty much bummed around all day...watched movies, did homework, ran to Old Navy for their "big" Thanksgiving sale (which was crappy, at least yesterday) and my mom and I ate around 330. It was a low-key, mostly stress free day. Mom, of course, started getting on me about why I was on the computer so much (I was on chat with Garrett for awhile yesterday afternoon) and started ragging on me for not helping her in the kitchen..yet everytime I went in there she was like "I got it, I got it! go sit down." I finally flipped my semi-bitch switch when she gave me attitude and said "what could you possibly be doing on the computer all afternoon?!" to which I replied, "talking to my HUSBAND who's in a WAR ZONE on a holiday. you get to talk to your boyfriend everyday. leave me alone!" That was the end of that.

I'm not venturing out for black friday today..I get irritated enough as it is with large crowds and long lines. I did score some good deals on oldnavy.com for Garrett and the baby (wouldve gotten a lot more if their website hadn't crashed around 10pm PST last night..but when I ordered this morning I got the same deals, with the exception of a few things that were sold out.) I also ordered 2 shirts and a pair of black pants from Destination Maternity that were on a good sale..but that's about it for me! I'd like to get out of the house today at some point..kind of getting cabin fever. But, we'll see. I know it's a mad house out there!

Now, just a week left of school, then the next week it's my birthday and the next week is Christmas. Holy cow..it's going to be January before I know it...then hopefully Garrett will be home in February. I'm trying to be patient and hope for the best...but we'll just have to see if he gets here in time for Mason's big arrival!

I know I should be thankful that I have a healthy pregnancy, a great job, and I'm about to finish my bachelor's. I know that after all Garrett and I have been through, maybe I shouldn't be missing him in the way I am. I am sure a lot of this has to do with pregnancy emotions, unwinding from all the stress and just trying to get through the motions of the holidays..but I miss him so much. Little things like holiday grocery shopping, decorating, and just overall being together for the day-to-day. I tell Garrett quite often that I miss him, and I wish he was here..and unfortunately (although, why am I surprised?) I get this response that I'm "wearing him thin" telling him how I wish he was here, and I miss him and want him home. However, every time I tell him those things, I make sure preface it with "I know it's out of your control.." or something to that effect so that he can see I'm just trying to tell him how I feel, rather than trying to guilt him into for not being here, and feeling powerless about it. It'd be nice to get a response like, "babe, wish I could be there with you too..not much longer," but I'm just made to feel like crap for telling my husband that I miss him. Oh, my bad.

Hopefully next year, if all goes well, we will be together for the holidays. Garrett, Mason and myself (plus Duke and Jack, of course) whether we're in DC, or elsewhere--as long as we're together. I'm just ready to get through holidays and get into January..because he should be home sometime in February (I hope) and it's closer to our little boy getting here. I can't wait to have this deployment behind us...almost there.

Here' s Duke supporting his troops ;)

And at least 12 more to go..

That's the first time I've counted how many weeks are left.. I'm 24 weeks pregnant now, plus at least 12 weeks to go until he gets home, which means I'll be at least 36 weeks pregnant by the time he gets home..if he makes it in time for Mason. I guess I just have to accept the fact that he may not be here by the time Mason makes his big arrival, which will be devastating, but some things are just out of my control. I try not to think about it, because again, worrying/stressing about it won't change anything.

These last few days, I've been missing Garrett a lot more. I'm tired of this deployment, I'm tired of the BS coming between us. I'm just ready for him to be home and get back to "normal" is, or try to find what normal is between us. We're on the schedule to transfer to DC in June, which I am really excited about. I figure I have to give it a shot for Mason and I..move out there, give it a year and see where things go. I think it will be great for Garrett and I to live in a new city, where neither of us have any history, and just explore it together. Sure, i was born in the DC area..but only lived there until about 3rd grade. It's still one of my favorite spots though..so I'm looking forward to moving out there, having a nice big house with a big yard for all the boys (Jack, Duke & Mason) to run around in.

I'm just kind of in a blah mood today. Miss him a lot, all BS aside.

I gave my presentation tonight in my History of Gender and Law class..phew, one more assignment behind me! That's pretty much it until finals which are the 2nd week of December. It's nice to have a little lull in assingments so I can catch my breath...now this weekend I need to take the opportunity to catch up yet again in my music class (which is online, and an elective) and I'll be all set. Almost there, almost there. Yay!

Work is looking up..my boss told me last week that he's pretty certain our contracts are getting extended, and he's not the type to give false impressions. I mean..who would lead on a pregnant chic, anyway? Work has stayed busy and I keep getting assigned new tasks (some at a higher level) which I am excited about. I am even more so looking forward to being done with school so that I can give work 100% of my attention during the day, instead of doing the whole balancing act.

Things with Garrett continue to be a roller coaster, but right now I'm just committed to getting through these next few weeks of school. My mom comes out November 20th, and I'm really looking forward to that. Kori is going to visit Jake in Arkansas for Thanksgiving, so it'll just be my mom and I here, but it'll be some nice downtime before the last push for finals.

Life has been pretty boring--consumed by work and school so not much else to report...hope everyone else is diong well!!


PS--we're over 1/2 way through the deployment!!

It's been awhile since I posted. I guess I was getting tired of posting the same crap about one lame day after another, so just took a break from blogging altogether. Over the past week that I've had "off" from LJ--by the way, I was still lurking journals, commenting..just not posting--I took a trip back to Florida, which was actually great. I saw some great friends that I hadn't seen from awhile (some that are even SD transplants!) and just wore a smile the entire weekend. Getting back on the plane on Sunday morning was a very hard decision, but I did it. Monday was an emotional nightmare for me..I did not want to come back to reality. I wanted to stay in Florida, I wanted to just keep being happy.

Garrett was still being rediculously crappy to me, and I had reached my absolute wits end with him. I lost my mind. Literally, temporary moment of insanity, I'm going to jump of a cliff right now insanity. I think I can officially say that Garrett is the only persono who has seen me at my absolute worst (as much as you can "see" via gmail chat.) He basically told his command i was having a breakdown (because I was) but of course didn't tell them why (because he's been a jerkface.) Long story short, Garrett's boss/mentor/pseudo-dad took me out to dinner on Tuesday night. I could totally tell he thought I was being a whiny, needy wife before he showed up. Then we got to talking, I showed him the emails and chat conversations..and he got a clear picture of where Garrett's and I marriage was going south. Garrett's boss wrote him a great email about turning things around, getting it together and being a husband first, then a marine. Needless to say, Garrett and I have had some really constructive conversations over the past few days, and things have been SO MUCH BETTER. I think Garrett needed someone (someone whos been through this--his boss has been a Marine for over 25 years, about to celebrate his 20th wedding anniversary..he gets this kind of thing) say that this is all going to be ok.

Anyway...Garrett emailed his boss and asked about PCS options for when he returns (Garrett was supposed to PCS awhile back, but then got scheduled to deploy so they held him over at Miramar) and other than recruting he has the opportunity to go to Hawaii, New Orleans (reserve squadron), Cherry Point, NC, Okinawa and DC to fly Gulfstream Fives. We're both pretty psyched about DC--I was born there, and still love the area. I think we're going to make that decision..anyone have any imput? We'd be at Andrews AFB. Of course, as all of us military know nothing is guaranteed until orders are on paper and we're on that plane east..but, it's something to get excited about.

I had a baby doctor appointment yesterday--thank goodness all the genetic testing came back "normal," as did the anatomy ultrasound. Next up: gestational diabetes test. boo. I also have to start the rhogam shots eventually (forgot to ask, i'm going to call doctor back tomorrow) since I'm RH negative. Yay for all the fun pregnant things.

Other than that..midterms are out of the way..less than 5 weeks left and school will be over. Most of my weekends going forward will be spent doing final projects, papers and getting raedy for finals. My mom is coming out to San Diego November 20th, and I'm looking forward to her visit for Thanksgiving. Anyway...going to fold some laundry. Friday is almost here!!!
 

Thank GOD it's Friday. Literally, THANK YOU. I am so tired after this week--I had 3 papers due and a midterm. I was able to get through everything, and it feels good to know that it's all behind me..and now I'm on the downhill of my last semester at UCSD. Wow, can't believe it..but it's finally happening! Woo hoo!

I've been struggling to keep myself awake/comfortable today. The baby has been in the most awkward, uncomfortable position yesterday and today--like legs all up in my ribs. Not so fun, kiddo. Anytime you wanna turn around is fine by me! Geez! I can't wait to get home and relax after work..but I had a slow start to the morning, and my boss saw me come in so I have to stay my time. My co-worker left at 130, I'm jealous! But, things have been quiet around here so I've been doing a mix of back-burner projects, homework, and web surfing :p Not really too hard of an 8 hour shift!

Things with Garrett are still..blah. I'm over it. I'm exhausted, and I'm tired of being exhausted from dealing with his bullshit. I was able to pay off one credit card this week, so it feels good to sign onto NavyFed and see a "0.00" balance but I still have one to work on. Garrett asked me what I want for my birthday (it's coming up December 14th) and i told him I really didn't want anything. If he won't spend a little bit of money to help me pay down bills, then I certainly don't need his gifts. Plus, I know he's getting me something just so I won't bitch..not because he acutally wants to get me something.

All of our conversations end poorly, and to be honest, I'm just over it. I was sitting at home yesterday again, just thinking that if I wasn't 5 weeks away from receiving my degree, I would go pack my suitcase, throw Jack and Duke in the car and just leave. I've had that thought a lot lately. My other idea is that if he comes back and he's still an asshole..well then, he can go live in the barracks until baby is old enough (and both of us are well enough) to travel and I can get a moving truck to come get everything either to move me to a new place to or move me back to Florida. For now though...I'm ignoring his insults, his money "worries" (that are totally invalid), and other stressors he inflicts on me and I'm enjoying the day to day as much as possible. It's gotten to the point that I couldnt care less if I talk to him or not. The days I do talk to him, I just get worn out emotionally and put into a "funk" that sometimes takes forever to shake. Today when he said to me "I hope Dave was worth it," I just shrugged it off and had to laugh to myself. Afterall, I'm not the one with my face all over match.com or hotornot personals..now am I? I can't believe I married him.

Anyway...I get to see my little man tomorrow. I have the anatomy ultrasound tomorrow at 9am. Other than my massage that I have this evening (that I am TOTALLY looking forward to,) I don't have any other plans. I need to take Duke to get his shots (and really should make that priority since I won't be here next weekend,) and i have a take home midterm to finish...and of course need to start putting together some cute outfits for my trip next week.


Alright..gonna finish a few things up around here and then head home in a little while. Hope everyone had a great week!

about problems with Garrett, but this seems to be my only release. Today I got a notice in the mail from NavyFed that my credit cards are jumping a whopping 7% due to "new policies". So, that means my APRs will be in the mid-high teens, from what was under 10%. I have minimal balances on them ($3600 total,) so I figured Garrett would want to pay them off and close them..since he already complains about the 6% rate on my car. I emailed him about it, then talked to him when he signed online. I asked him if he would transfer me the money to which he replied "not only no..but hell no. you're gonna have to figure your way outta this one kiddo. those were expenses you had before you met me." I was honestly shocked. I was like..well, you bought your dream car before you met me, but the price for the premium gas and adhoc parts comes out of our joint checking account where my paycheck is deposited into--and well, I don't benefit from that. Not to mention, he hasn't had to buy a thing to furnish this house, except for the $500 WE spent out of our joint account for our new dining set..everything else is mine, and I mean this house is FULLY furnished.

I reminded him that should I get laid off, and/or while on maternity leave he'd have to help me pay my bills, because well, they're OUR bills now. He said "why me?" He said he didn't realize he was "marrying into so much debt." He went and on and on about how he worked so hard to keep his debt at zero and blah blah blah. Right. Because I haven't worked hard working full time for the past 4 years and going to UCSD full time and paying my own way..and now I'm nearly 5 months pregnant, taking 23 classes and still working at least 40 hours a week.  While he was saving pay checks, I was paying tuition for my bachelors. So, he chose to have a hefty bank account, I chose to have a bachelor's degree and a tool to climb up the corporate ladder. I wanted to be nasty and make snarky remarks about how when he gets out he won't be able to get any kind of job without any education, but I bit my tongue. That was the life he chose, and that's fine, I stand by it. But do NOT make it sound like I've just spent the past few years racking up bills and now want someone else to clean up my mess because that's not it. I tried to be a good wife and talk to him about making an informative, unified decision. Now I wish I had just paid the balances out of our savings account and explained later. It's a catch-22. If I don't pay it off, I'll get bitched at about the APRs, and I think it's a waste of money to pay high interest when we are perfectly capable of paying it off. But, if I use my next few paychecks to pay off the balance (I get paid weekly) I will get bitched at for not contributing to our joint account. I'm just SO TIRED of everything being an argument.

Of course, I was having a great day, too. I worked from home because San Diego highways were paralyzed this morning due to some woman threatening to jump off an overpass on the 5, sending severe overflow traffic to the other highways...so I got a lot of work work and school work done, went to the commissary, went to Costco, and took Jack to AJs Kids Crane (toy drive fundraiser) to donate some toys. Then I came home to him just being nasty. So, here we are..back at square one. I ran the numbers tonight, and we will have plenty of money in savings in a month..and I hope within the next 30 days I will know if they're keeping us on as contractors or not. If they are, then instead of spending money on Christmas, I will chip away at my debt. Because apparently, it's only mine. It just breaks my heart because I brought everything I own into this marriage (and believe me, my furniture was thousands of dollars..just to make a point here) and made it his/ours the day we got married. When he talks about the projects he wants to do to his car when he gets back, I don't wince (even though we have a baby on the way) because I know he's working hard for the pay. But apparently, it's just his pay, and not our pay.

I literally sat on MY couch tonight, watching MY flat screen tv and looked at the dogs and thought "this is all I have." These are the only two things in my daily life that I love, and they love me back unconditionally. Today when I brought up to him how he always talks about buying the 2011 Challenger, he said "its something to think about to get me through the day." My husband thinks about a CAR to get him through the day. Not me. Not our baby. A chunk of metal. Whatever road to repair I thought I was on these past few days, turned out just to be a short, dead end path. Honestly, if I didn't have 5 weeks left of school, I would've packed as much as I could've into my car, along with Duke and Jack and just started driving. Destination unknown. Not caring if and where I made it, or even thinking about coming back.

  I can't believe it's Sunday afternoon already..what a whirlwind of a weekend. But, in the end I feel like while I haven't gotten a ton of homework done, I have gotten a lot of rest. Friday afternoon my mother in law came into town, and we spent Friday evening, and Saturday afternoon/Evening together. Saturday during the day she did her yoga thing with one of her girlfriends who lives down here, so that I could study. In reality, I slept until about 12:30. My body has been so tired between being pregnant, working, and dealing with midterm weeks at UCSD for the 5 classes I'm taking. I'm trying not to get overwhelmed...I make weekly "lesson plans" for myself so that I can map out what I'm going to do each day, and I find it pretty rewarding (in a kindergarten type way lol) to be able to cross things off each day. I have a paper proposal  and an essay due Tuesday, and a paper for another class due Wednesday, along with everything else that is "routine" for each week. I was finally able to get caught up with my online class (stayed up til midnight on Thursday night to accomplish said task,) but received As on all of it, so I suppose it was worth it :p

MIL and I had a good time together. Friday night we went to Old Town for dinner, and we spent over 2 hours talking. I learned a lot more about Garrett, Zach (his brother that passed away,) and just the family in general. I realized, though, that spending time with her made me miss Garrett so much more. She is super supportive, and really enthusiastic that our little family is going to work out (not in an oblivious, irrational type of way) she realizes it's going to take some work for Garrett to come around (and for Garrett and I to work together,) but she is excited for us. Saturday we met up in the afternoon after I rose from my deep slumber and she got back from yoga. We spent some more time talking, then she tooks us for pedicures/manicures which was great, and I treated to dinner. It was a good, non-stressful visit.

Today I woke up to take MIL to train station, and when I got home decided I wanted to go back to bed..so, I did. I slept from 10-1230 (again.) The muscles in my stomach are making way for baby to grow, so I feel like i have a charlie horse around my belly button. yuck. you can feel the muscles all hard. blech. Not to mention my back is hurting all the time now (due to pre-existing, pre-pregnancy injury) so yeah,  life is fun. Plus, I much rather sleep than read about the Cuban Revolution and write a paper. Uggh..now I have to do that. Bummer! I did take the dogs to this little park in my old neighborhood today...its basically a big green field, with a sidewalk/track around it and a few playgrounds. I can't take Duke to the dog park yet because he doesn't have all his shots, but I didn't wanna leave him at home, either. So, off we went and we spent about an hour there. It was really nice and breezy with the sun out. Jack played with another dog that happened to be there so he got to run around, and Duke perfected his game of fetch. They are both passed out now..so, mission accomplished!

Ok, no more procrastinating on homework!! Hope everyone enjoyed their weekend!

Of the new munchkin. I have to say, he's a really good puppy. He's doing exceptionally well with the housetraining (for being 7 weeks old) and has quite the vivacious personality. I can tell Jack is feeling better, and when Duke isn't in his crate, they are best friends, playing all the time. I'm glad they're turning out to be buddies. Anyway..here's some pictures!!




And some of my Big Boy, Jack:

I posted this yesterday in one of the Military Groups I belong too..but wondering if anyone on my Friends List could offer any insight ;) Thanks!

I have a question, maybe a few..maybe 10..we'll see how this post goes. Brief history: i've been having MAJOR issues with our leasing office--we live out in town, in a brand new community and just moved in August 27th, and its literally been nonstop, almost daily harassment from these two women in the office. 

 

When we first applied to the property, they had a 35lb weight limit on dogs. We declined to continue our application, as Jack is 80lbs. They said the would contact corporate to see if the rules would be changed, as they'd been turning people away left and right and the property had been open for 6 months and only 13 of 100 units were occupied. 3 weeks later, we got a call that corporate would allow our dog, and other large dogs. Great, we're super excited. Well, when I came to sign the lease, the documentation I provided for Jack stated he was a lab mix.. the leasing agency said she didn't know he was a mix, but I let her know that the application we had filled out 3 weeks early clearly stated "black lab mix." She realized there was nothing that she could do, as I had already signed the lease. 

About 3 days later I got a call telling me that I need to stop walking my dog on the grass, because HIS urine is killing it. There are about 10 other dogs, of all shapes and sizes in the community, yet Jack's is the one killing the grass. I just acknowledged her comment, and continued on. Less than 5 days later, I got another call about the grass, to which I informed them that after their first comment, I ceased walking him on the grassways, and I've been taking him to the mulched area to do his business, but that I see the other dogs in the community doing their thing on the grass, so it's not my dog. They actually asked me to call out my neighbors (describe dog/owner to the leasing office.) I refused to do so--I'm not on the neighborhood watch, give me a break. 

Well, a week later, the leasing lady calls me to say "well, I looked in your window and say that you have another dog in there--who's is it?" she was talking about Miley and I let her know that it was my Mom's dog. She said that visiting dogs were not allowed on the property, and that Miley was violating the breed restrictions of the property. I let her know that I was never made aware of the pet policy..and she said "oh, it's on page 2 of your lease." Oh, nice, so in super small text i see this pet policy, prohibiting 27 breeds from the property, with a bunch of other BS rules. 

Last week, Jack was running around in the garage, as we were unpacking baby furniture, and this girl walked by. Jack ran up to her, and startled her, which I apologized for, and he nudged her hand with his snout (no teeth.) She told the leasing office that he bit her. The leasing office waited 24 hours before contacting me, and immediately sided with this other tenant....letting me know that I faced eviction and my dog must be kept on a leash. Sure, take that chic's word..when she had NO marks on her hands or arms. No pictures and or report were filed the DAY of the incident, only the next day (just a property incident report, no pictures.) 

This morning at 6am I took Jack out. Jack is old, he likes to have his privacy. So, no one was out, I let him off his leash in this corner mulched area, did his business, picked it up, came inside and got ready for work. At 4pm today I get a call telling me that she (leasing office rep) was on property "early" this morning (wtf were you doing on property at 6am, if the leasing office doesnt open til 9, and you don't live on property?) and that she saw Jack was off his leash. Then she watched me NOT pick it up. I quickly corrected her and let her know that just because she didn't see me pick it up (what were you camping out in the bushes watching me?) doesn't mean I didn't do it immediately after. I finally called back after a few minutes, because I was infuriated. I asked if all dog owners were being called to remind them to clean up the waste, or if I was being specifcially targeted. She said they were calling "everyone" (which I find hard to believe) but that I need to follow the leash rules. yeah, ok I got it. I was pretty pissed off. I had called corporate to talk with a Resident Liason, but was told she was out of the office until Tuesday and I could leave a voicemail and get called back next week. Yet, 15 minutes later I got a call back from this VP who was SO rude to me. I mean, not for one second did she want to hear how I felt or what I had to say (some resident liason/customer service). She told me that I was at fault for the leash law blah blah blah. I told her that was not the issue--the issue is I'm tired of being called EVERY TIME something pet-related happens in the community. And why do they insist on calling me a) on my lunch break or b) in the evening, a Friday evening no-less. I let her know that if the harassment continued, the next phone call would be from my attorney.

So..I called Garrett's boss and he advised me to contact Legal, and said he would actually have their officer call me on Monday. He advised me to research the Soldier's and Sailors act to see if it would apply..I've read a few things around the internet, but figured my search could include you, too..do you know if this act would apply to my situation, to get me out of this lease since Garrett is in a combat zone? We've only been here a month, and honestly I have enough stress with work and school, I'd like to come home and relax. Any information y'all could provide would be great...thank you thank you thank you!!!

I can't believe I'm still awake right now. I had such a long day..I got up around 730, did homework here at home, then got ready for work and got into the office around 10am. Worked until about 630pm (and later in the day, I was able to get some homework done.) I had french class from 7-9pm, and got home around 10pm..cleaned up around here, emptied the dishwasher, put clothes away, etc...ate some leftovers, and well...here I am.

I need to get in bed in a few minutes, tired or not. Otherwise I will be miserable tomorrow. Well, maybe not too miserable since my mom's flight lands around 4pm. Beth from the rescue called me tonight to let me know that Miley was setling in OK in boarding, and the nurses were paying great attention to her. Apparently the vet mentioned my breakdown to Beth, and wanted to make sure I was ok. I still get choked up talking/thinking about it...a prospective family is going to take her for the weekend this weekend--the family that has adopted one of her puppies, and I pray that they adopt her. I know she will be happy there.

After the past week and recent drama in my current community, I've started looking around to see what else is for rent. I'm only a month into my year lease here, and I'm so not happy. At all. Garrett, of course, opposes but I'm not sure if it's because it's something I want to do, so opposing it and upsetting me gives him something to do, or if it's the financial issue. Although, with the harassment and BS I've put up with, I plan on dealing directly with corporate to see if I can get out of the lease penalty. I don't know, I'm going to do some research. As if I don't have enough on my plate.

My mom and I talked at great length tonight about my options should I not get hired at my job--and moving back to Florida and living in her house is at the top of the list. I can't believe I'm in this crappy situation, married to someone who wants nothing to do with me or the baby I'm carrying...5 years ago if you'd told me I'd be in this situation, I would've laughed at you and told you I'm smarter than that. I used to be. I don't know where my drive went. Ugggh.


Just aw the cutest otters on the news. I'll take a baby one of those please!!! Ok, time for bed. Thanks for all of those that have been extending their love and support--I really appreciate it :)

 I miss my Miley Moo so much. The house is so quiet without her. I woke up a few times last night, realizing she wasn't snoring next to me. I hate that losing her is completely out of my control.

 I had class at UCSD this afternoon, so I only worked a 1/2 day, which is my schedule going forward until class is over in the beginning of December. I'm pretty tired..I'm just ready for the weekend. Tomorrow is already Wednesday, and my last long day of the week--French class, and I'm pretty sure I have a quiz. 

I feel like I come home from work everyday, and I don't have the desire or energy to do anything. I decided to get the puppy, I need something to focus my love and attention on, especially now that Miley is gone. Jack is depressed--he's picking at his food, lethargic and just overall really aloof. He'll walk around and just whine. He hasn't been without another canine buddy for over 4 years. Honestly, I just want to love him, Jet, and have him love me back and be a great buddy to Jack. 

Garrett told me tonight that he's no longer attracted to me, so "February will be awkward." I'm just done. I'm over it, over him. I don't even miss him. Pretty sad if you ask me.. i'm glad Kori has moved in, it helps that the house isn't so quiet...but I still feel that loneliness inside. I'm just trying to find that will to keep going, keep my head up and get these classes finished. I'm really looking forward to my mom being here this weekend..I need it. 

This really wasn't the way I wanted to end my day...but I know this won't be the last day that ends like this. 

I'm having second thoughts about bringing that adorable little guy home. Puppies are A LOT of work, and I'm already exhausted as it is..plus puppies need to go for walks every 4 hours at least (usually every hour) and with my school schedule, I don't know how that's going to work. He is SO cute, but I also know he'll find a great home regardless. The house is really quiet without Miley--I dropped her off at boarding today because I had an all out shitfit with the leasing office. Here's a recap:

Yesterday while i was helping Jake and Kori unload their trailer, Jack was out there, too. Yes, he was unleashed, my bad. But he was mostly just getting in our way, not running around the property. A girl around my age- mid 20s walked by and he went up to her, and he was really excited, licking her, kind of 1/2 jumping. I immediately corrected him, went and grabbed his collar, and profusely apologized because she looked a little startled. I asked her if she was ok, and she said yes, smiled and continued on her way. Later that evening, I was out putting up Halloween decorations, and she passed by again. I asked her a 2nd time if she was alright, and apologized again for his hyper behavior and let her know that while he's a big dog, he is super sweet. She smiled, laughed it off and said she was totally fine. She showed me the hand that he'd been licking/mouthing and there was not a mark on there. 

Well, I get a call at 11am today from the leasing office informing me that such neighbor reported that Jack had bitten her, but hadn't broken the skin. I lost my marbles on them..i told them that first, if the skin wasn't broken or punctured, under CA law, it does not constitute a bite. Second, I spoke to her twice yesterday and she told me everything was fine, and 3rd, Jake and Kori were out there with me and could provide a statement attesting to this recount of the situation. I couldn't believe the chic had the balls to go down to the leasing office to complain, especially after I was so nice, making sure she was ok. THEN she tells the leasing office that I acted like "it was no big deal" and didn't even apologize. I'm like...really? So, this chic filed an incident report with the leasing office, as did I. I'm not being pushed around with some dog bullshit because my dog startled you. I apologized, and reassured the office that Jack will be restrained on a leash at all times when outside of the house. Uggh..I mean, really? I was infuriated. So, these incident reports will be sent to corporate and they may or may not contact me. Over it. 

Then..I took Miley to the vet to be boarded, and I had an absolute nervous breakdown. That was the straw on the camel's back..when I walked out of the vet I could barely make it to my car before I started hypervenalating. I was actually scaring myself. I loved that dog so much--getting a puppy is not going to ease the pain of her being gone. Yup, all this and it's only Monday. What a great way to start the week :) 

Waiting for Chili's take out to get here (Kori was nice enough to run out and pick it up...) then calling it an early night. It's been an emotionally taxing day. 

 

I only slept about 6 hours last night--when I got up into bed, I couldn't fall asleep even though I'd been tired since 8pm. I think I was overly tired, and couldn't wind down. Then I got extremely upset about Miley--but I already posted about that. Anyway, now I'm pretty tired this morning..just sitting on the couch watching the news and enjoying a cup of coffee with Miley snuggled by my side. Jack is passed out on the other end of the couch. It's going to be a weird few days for he and I--he'll be wondering where Miley is, and I'll be worried sick if she's doing ok, adjusting well, etc. I put together a few goodies for her bed at Beth's house (the woman who runs the rescue)--I gave Miley a toy I'd been hiding in our junk drawer (I think for their Christmas stocking,) my pillow case, and a bunch of treats. Of course, these things won't ease my guilt about giving her up, but I hope they will distract her and keep her comfortable in the meantime.  Poor thing..my heart is aching for her. 

I have class at UCSD tonight, which means I'll be missing my French class. Then I'll drop Miley off. I wish I could've dropped her off on my way to work, but they don't have room for her until this evening. Ugggh...please just let this day be over with. 

I got a notice on my door this evening that Miley has to be gone within 36 hours, or I face eviction/termination of my lease. I can't believe I have to say goodbye tomorrow--I've been crying all night off and on. Honestly, I know she's dog and she'll find a great home, but I've totally spoiled her here, and brought out her personality. I feel like she finally trusts humans again after all the abuse and neglect she went through in the first 12 months of her life. The worst part is that I know she has no idea what's going to happen tomorrow...she'll just realize she's in a new place, and I won't be there. The one thing she loves so much--her family (Jack and I) and the one thing she's totally familiar with..will be ripped away from her. It's just eating me up inside. I'm going to miss her snuggling up next to me on the couch in the morning while I enjoy a cup of coffee, or her "talking" when I walk in the door from work each day...or her clockwork reminders that it's dinner time. She has given me a reason to get out of bed these past few months when all I want to do is cry into my pillow. I feel like I am majorly letting her down. I can honestly say that if I knew they were going to be such nazi's about pet policies here, and that there were 27 prohibited breeds, I would've never agreed to rent. As much as my last landlord was a pain in the ass--at least I could have my dogs. I wish there was a way to let Miley know that this is out of my control..and that I love her so much, and will think about her everyday. To her, I'm probably just another human breaking her heart and letting her down. She's the one thing I could count on everyday to put a smile on my face, no matter how many tears I'd cried. I can't believe I'm crying over an effing dog. I'm falling apart over losing her...please god give me the strength to get through tomorrow and understand that her perfect, forever family will come along.

But since Miley is leaving Friday...


 
 

 

We orginally wanted a pure bred German Shepherd, but our lease prohibits the breed...my next love was for a pure bred lab, and I found an AKC breeder that had an "accidental litter" (can't register "oops" litters) so instead of being $900, this guy was $75.

Mom and I will pick up Jet on Saturday!! Now..just waiting for Garrett to wake up so I can tell him/hear him freak out. Ahh love deployments.

I know you dream more when you're pregnant, so they say--and that dreams can often be scrambled and considered "weird." I was just sitting here checking email, with VH1 on, and the video for Five for Fighting "Chances" came one, and I instantly remembered my dream. My best friend Doug, who I've written about before and was killed when I was a sophomore in highschool, was in my dream last night. I haven't seen him in my dreams in awhile (maybe just too much going on in my life for my brain to go that far back..) but I'm one of those people that believes when deceased people appear in your dreams, it's more than just a thought. Anyway, in my dream I absolutely fell apart on him, telling him everything that's going on with Garrett, me expecting a baby (and my worries/fears) and all he kept saying to me was "you're going to be a great mom, you took such great care of Katie." Katie is his little sister I used to babysit for. Uggh, it was one of those dreams you wake up from, and you're exhausted.

Feels like it's been a long week already...I'm set for the weekend. I didn't go to to French class tonight, and no I don't feel guilty. I'm tired of making the drive and not getting home until 10pm to sit and read straight out of the text book. I can do that from home! (in my pjs, on my comfy couch..maybe even with some icecream ;) 

I knew the good streak between Garrett and I couldn't last long. He started back in his sour mood today of "why do you want this" "i'm not reayd to be a dad" blah blah blah. Whatever man, save it for someone who wants to hear it because it's not me. I'm just burned out from it. It's gotten to me so badly that honestly, I find that I'm not missing him that much at all. Even on good days. It's frustrating that he's been gone 6 weeks now, and I have yet to get a phone call (skype isn't too functional because of the bandwith available over there) ..but he doesnt want to wait in line to call me..and he doesnt email me because he's afraid that the email alert on my phone will wake me up in the middle of the night. gimme a break. He just doesnt want to put the effort forth; isn't interested in putting the effort forth. I'm no longer interested in giving effort back, I'm so exhausted from it all. I started looking up prices of 1 bedroom apartments today, to get an idea of what baby and I would be looking at, because I honestly don't know what the chances are of he and I working out after the baby is here. I deserve to be happy, and honestly I've never been more unhappy. I'm trying to maintain a state of stability for myself and the baby, but when my husband, father of my child tells me that if I left him tomorrow he wouldn't be upset (except for the $$ he spent on my ring) it's kind of hard to remain calm. 

I had dinner with Jake and Kori tonight, which was nice. Jake is like a brother to me, and his girlfriend Kori is great. She has a 1.5 year old and she's a nurse. Since Jake is going to Littlerock for training for a few months, Kori is going to move in with me. I think it will be a good move..I could use the company, and I know she'll be a great help around the house. We're still figuring out the details..but we'll see how it goes. 

I have my first class of the semester at UCSD tomorrow night. Woo hoo! Ha. I'm just ready to get this semester started and underway..only 10 weeks of torture ;) No news as of now for potential families for Miley. But, she has destroyed 2 sets of window blinds in the house already, ate a pair of shoes (she's lucky they were in the Goodwill box!) and eaten 2 dog bowls. Wtf? So, miss sassy pants is going back in her crate during the day. I hate to do it to her, but I can't have her messing up my new house. Good thing the blinds here in the house are the faux-wood and are only about $30 to replace. 

Alright, time to get ready for bed, and pick out something to wear tomorrow. Almost through the week :)