Taking Life One Day at a Time

 I finally reached my breaking point. I literally found myself at this moment of insanity, where I didn't even know who I was anymore--and Garrett had pushed me there. He wrote me this email telling me he wanted real, true answers to many lingering questions, but at first refused to ask me the questions saying it "didnt matter anymore." Well, of course he wanted to know why I never told him about Dave (oh, because garrett you said that I meant nothing to you, and that's why I stopped talking to you at the end of 2008..and started seeing other people,) and how could I take Dave over to kristen's house one week, and Garrett over there the next week (uhh..its called "casual dating" just because I'm watching football with someone does not mean I am sleeping with them,) and he always wondered why my roommates looked at him (Garrett) funny..and now he knows why. He also wondered why no one stepped up to the plate to let him in on what I was doing to him. Uhh..because I wasn't doing anything to him...we were casually dating, seeing other people (whether he'll admit that he was or not.) I also said that my friends never said anything to him because a) they knew how he treated me and b) most of them were telling me to move the hell on that he was no good for me. But, I didn't listen. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and obviously way more credit than he deserved.
 
I wrote him back and let him know that what I did or who I was with before he and I even became remotely serious is none of his business, and certainly not to be used against me. Secondly, if my roommates looked at him funny its probably because they were wondering why the hell I kept him around, knowing how poorly he treated me. Of course, Garrett's lies of telling me he was going out with "the boys," yet going to bang some 19 year old girl (3 weeks before I found out I was pregnant, no less) should have no ramifications. He just kept pushing me and pushing me and pushing me through emails, telling me 'we're done," and I finally snapped. Part of me regrets it, part of me (most of me) is still in shock about what I said..but I basically said "I don't want to be with you either! I hope you die! You have ruined my life and pushed me over the edge, and I'm through with you. But, whether you like it or not I'll be at the plane the day you come home." Sure, I feel a little guilty but after 8 straight months of emotional torture, I feel a little relief that I finally snapped. I deserve to be treated well, at the very least respected. I was pissed off that he had gotten to me so badly that I was actually explaining myself/justifying my behaviors when Garrett and I weren't even together at that point. I didn't ask him to justify every girl he took out for a drink, met for coffee or slept with in the time between his ex and the time he and I together, what is his sick obsession with my history? It just kills me...literally. I've been siting here crying the entire night, i mean SOBBING just trying to figure out how I got to this point, and how I'm going to move forward. I've never felt so alone in my life, and while my mom just says "it'll be ok, I'll help you," it doesn't make the hurt any better. 

Right now, the shopping and organizing of the nursery is the only thing that's keeping my mind at least mildly off that topic, and preventing me from crying although the depression is pretty much 100% consuming me right now. Even Jack knows something is up, he won't leave my side. He just sits here with his head in my lap...thank god for this dog. I would've lost my mind and given up a long time ago. I'm just so angry; regardless of what was done before Garrett and I created this life, some things should just be let go of, and attention should be re-focused on the good things at hand, like, the baby. Am I happy he was banging some 19 year old in May, around the same time I got pregnant? Umm..no, not at all. But, I want(ed) Mason to have his father in his life and was willing to forgive (and mostly) forget. I just can't wrap my brain around it. It all just hurts so much. 

After hardly talking to Garrett all week (minus a 12 minute phone conversation on Thursday), we finally get online today and chat...started out ::ok:: but quickly fell to shit, as they usually do. He has to throw a snarky comment in there just to make himself feel better, and I do my best to ignore them..but it's no comfort. Then he drops this bomb on me that when he comes home he wants to sleep in the guest room because he's not "comfortable" sleeping in bed with me. Why did he ever lead me on to believe that this was going to be ok? That we would make it? Several decisions would've been made differently had I know things would turn out this way; if anything at least I could've had 6 months to move on without guilt, and start planning my life over again--whether or not I had decided to keep the baby. So, now that I've waited for you for six months you can't even sleep next to me? Ok, well then don't bother coming home--you can sleep in the barracks. 

The anticipation is literally tearing me apart. I was thinking today...I can't even remember the last time I was happy. Truly, legitimately happy. I don't even know if I will be happy the day the baby is born because Garrett has instilled so much resentment in me. I've tried so hard to be strong, to keep going, to keep my head up...and everything is just falling to pieces around me right now. He said today, "I've lost everything," to which I replied, "no, you threw everything away. there's a big difference." I have the worst upset stomach now from my nerves just being completely shot, and I just can't stop crying. I closed the door to the nursery because I just can't take looking in there. There's so much to be done, but I'm not interested in any of it.  The emotional torture has finally worn me down, and now I struggle just to make it through each day. I've had dreams lately about wrecking my car--obviously a sign of losing control in real life, or dreams of galloping my horse through a field--signs of longing for freedom..some days I feel like if I died, I wouldn't care. Neither would Garrett. I've just hit rock bottom. Thoughts of giving Mason up for adoption come up more often then they used to, and more often then they should. I'm just so lost. So hurt. I remember when Evan and I split and my heart was shattered, I felt like I could never feel a greater pain than that...boy was I wrong. I would never wish this upon anyone. Sometimes I feel like giving the baby up for adoption would be best; I would just resign from my job and disappear for a few years to find myself, get back on track and get over this devastation--if i survived it.  But I know I would only bring a lifetime of self-hate upon myself if I gave my child up. I'm just so so confused; hurt; lost. I get so mad at myself for getting wrapped up with garrett, and thinking that he was really going to change. Ive worked so hard for all the success I've made and all the progress I've made for myself, yet this is where I end up. I just want to go more than a week without crying (at this point, more than a day) and have something truly genuine to smile about. I am not that same girl I used to be...he killed her. 

I've been up for an hour, and I think I've yelled Duke's name more times in that hour than I have all week. I get it--they've been stuck in the house all week because we've had torrential downpours out here in San Diego, so that means our daily trips to the park and random car rides to run errands with mom haven't been happening. I haven't been going anywhere, unless its to and from work. Today is supposed to be our last day of rain and will "clear up" this weekend, but  I'm sure the park probably needs 2+ days to dry up..so guess mama bear here will need to suck it up and take the dogs to the b-e-a-c-h. Yay, that'll zap my energy reserve for oh..about the next week! haha. 

I have no plans for this weekend, and I could not be happier. Next weekend is going to busy--Saturday I scheduled a 4D ultrasound (I'll be 34 weeks at that point) and I can't wait to see my little man! Then on Sunday I have a photo shoot for maternity photos, and I am super excited. I've looked at the photographers website umpteen times and cannot wait to see how it goes. If all goes well, I want to plan on getting pictures of baby and I (daddy too, if he wants to participate!) once Mason is here. I love her newborn shots with the incorporated military theme.  And then once I get my body back (no specific timeline here, k?) I think I'd want to get boudoir photos done..for me. But, first things first..maternity photos...have baby, lose weight..then *think* about photos haha. 

Garrett and I have hardly talked this week because his internet has been down..he did call yesterday. He tried to be aloof/act all hard but I called him on it. Umm no you're not going to call me and act like that. I hope he gets his sh*ts and giggles out on the trip home (they stop in a few cities like germany or scotland or something, then st. johns, then some stateside city before getting to San Diego since he's on the herc on the way back) so they go out and get transhed and act like Marines ;) Good, get it out of the way because I'm not picking your butt up from the bar or supporting his gallavanting in the week before we have a baby. Ok, /end rant. 

30 days...and he will be home. So excited/nervous/impatient all at once. Alright..time to get ready for work :) 

Ok, so the baby has dropped. Considerably. Literally everyone at work is asking me "any day now, eh?" and Garrett brought up a good point last week--(sorry ladies if this is TMI) while I had a "period" in June, it was short, and the period I had in May was even shorter. Now that I think about it...could they even be considered periods? At the time, I contributed the ultra-short cycles to stress because Libby had just died and I was a hot mess emotionally. Is there a way the doctors could be that far off on my due date? What if I conceived in late May instead of June? Would the doctors be able to tell, would they adjust my due date? I have my 33 week appointment tomorrow with the nurse practitioner..I don't want to sound like an idiot when I bring it up, but I'm going to. I'm feeling crappier each day (physically) and the edema is getting out of control at this point--not to mention the contraction/cramping feelings. Anyway...

It's been raining here all week which has been pretty damn depressing. vtnurse helped me figure out the California Maternity Leave process (thank you!!) so I am thinking of taking leave earlier than my planned February 19th (I was trying to work right up to the end, but the 45 minute commute each way is just killing me) so I may either go out on the 5th or 12th. We'll see...I don't want to be bored sitting around the house, but at the same time I want to get a break now, lord knows I won't get one once Mason gets here!!!

Garrett's internet has been really unreliable lately (so he says,) so I've hardly heard from him, and he hasn't been online. Kinda depressing seeing that I'm only weeks away from delivering and can't even talk to my husband/baby daddy. Part of me wonders if he's trying to forget about Mason and I in an attempt to completely separate himself from this "family". I don't know....I guess the other part of me is trying not to think about it. at all. 

I need to put the nursery together this weekend--wash the bedding, organize the clothes and drawers, then sit down and make a list of what's left to get. Eh, totally lacking motivation. The rain is still pouring...Jack doesn't want to get wet but I know he's getting desperate for a potty break. I'm getting desperate to go to bed! But...it's only 7pm. Ahhh the joys of the 3rd trimester. Hope everyone's having a good week!
 

Ok, so I know that half the country (or more) is in a deep freeze so warm dinners are a big win! I also know from being a military wife that sometimes our paychecks need to be stretched a little further than usual, and grocery shopping can become quite a chore. I've recently discovered Campbell's website  and they have some awesome, budget efficient recipes. On top of it, you can choose by main dish (i.e. beef, poultry, seafood) and prep-to-table time. I especially like this feature because after working all day, and currently 8 months pregnant, the last thing I want to do is spend an hour in the kitchen. So tonight I made Turkey Stuffing Divan..when my mom was here for Thanksgiving we had far too much turkey, so she froze a good amount..I used it tonight in this recipe and it's soo good. Chicken can also be used..take a look, try it (it feeds a lot of people!) and also check out their website for more ideas. 

 

 

1 1/4 cups boiling water

1/4 cup (1/2 stick) butter, melted

4 cups Pepperidge Farm® Herb Seasoned Stuffing (I used Stove Top)

2 cup cooked broccoli cuts  ( I don't like broccoli--I used frozen peas, worked great!)

2 cup cubed cooked turkey  or chicken

1 can (10 3/4 ounces) Campbell's® Condensed Cream of Celery Soup (Regular or 98% Fat Free)

1/2 cup milk

1 cup shredded Cheddar cheese  (about 4 ounces)

• Stir the water and butter in a medium bowl.  Add the stuffing and mix lightly.
• Spoon the stuffing mixture into a 2-quart shallow baking dish. Top with the broccoli and turkey.
• Stir the soup, milk and 1/2 cup cheese in a small bowl.  Pour the soup mixture over the turkey.  Sprinkle with the remaining cheese.
• Bake at 350°F. for 30 minutes or until the mixture is hot and bubbling.

Happy Eating!

 Thursday. Almost Friday. This week seems forever long after all the holiday breaks my company has provided..but I'm trying to charge through! I really want to keep working 40 hours a week until either Garrett comes home, and/or I leave on maternity leave. The ball is already rolling at work planning for my project coverage while I'm out, so that is exciting. The last few places I worked, I swear they would've waited until 2 days before (or the day of) that I would go out on leave to get transition plans together. At this point, I am planning on going back to work with this company after maternity leave. 

My options are this: if Garrett and I stay together, and he still gets transferred to DC, i could go with him. BUT...he has to go through all these flight schools for the new aircraft he'll be working on..the schools are months long, and the marine corps wont pay to move me around with him. So, the idea is that I would stay here in San Diego, get a smaller/cheaper place for Mason and I, and keep working. Garrett can come visit on the weekends/when he can. The more I think about it, the more it seems like this would be the smartest decision because there's no point moving across the country, not knowing anyone, not having any resources or a job. I make a great salary here in San Diego, and its even more time in my field of work that I will have on my resume. We really just need to see how things go, how he and I get along (if we do) when he gets home, and what the household/family dynamics are once Mason is with us. 

In about 30 minutes I need to leave for my OB/GYN appointment. They'll be scheduling the exact date of my C-section (hopefully), and I'll also be talking to the doctor about my experience with the practice earlier this week, and their total lack of concern with helping me get a hold of my husband. My therapist suggested I give the doctor her (my therapist's) card, and they can talk..my therapist can let her know her professional opinion (that I need the immediate help, for the well being of my mental health) and since the Red Cross needs an MD to make the call. NEVERMIND. Apparently Garrett's command has changed their mind about wanting to help us, and told him to "ride it out" until the normally scheduled return date (which as of right now, is the week I give birth.) Apparently, all odds are against us from day one. 

Guess I'll go get ready for the doctor now. 

Garrett mentioned our problems to someone in Afghanistan, and my little stumble down the stairs. That officer called Garrett's boss back here in San Diego, and his boss in turn called me. He asked how I was feeling I told him I'm ok, but alone, kind of starting to freak out (as I realize each day what I can't do as I get bigger,) and that emotionally/mentally I'm reaching the threshold of a meltdown. His boss said if I could get a note, or a Red Cross message initiated by my doctor, that the command would send him home from Afghanistan.

( Cut for Length )

Well, I made it! The trip out wasn't all that bad at all, and you know what? Southwest Airlines ROCKS. First, they don't charge for luggage. Then, when I checked in they gave me a "temp disability" pass so I could preboard, so I got an aisle seat right up front. On top of that, the crew could not have been nicer--to everyone. It was refreshing after flying Delta earlier this year and having such poor service! The pilot also did a great job of landing us in a pretty windy snow storm. It's been years since i've landed in snow...it was pretty, but frightening at the same time.

There are 8 inches of snow on the ground this morning..it's pretty but its damn cold here, only in the single digits with a *hopeful* high of 22 today.  Yipee!! Mom has these great electric blankets on the bed though, so I had my own little cocoon that I was wrapped in all night. My mom's boyfriends son, Matt, has this adorable 5 year old boxer (they live here with Jim & my mom) her name is Harley and she and I have been hanging out, avoiding the cold.

Christmas Eve we laid around the house all day, then went to Christmas Eve service and over to Jim's daughter's house (Melinda) and had dinner with her and her husband and two kiddos--she mad ea great honey baked ham and dinner was great. Came home and went to bed, but I did not sleep well. The altitude has been difficult on me, I feel like I have an elephant sitting on my chest (in addition to Mason cramping up my upper body,) plus just being out of my own bed has posed a sleeping challenge but I'm managing.

Everyone came over here today, and my mom made a great turkey dinner with all the fixings, and we opened presents. I was happy people didn't linger around all evening (it started snowing again, so they pretty much left after dinner) and I quickly put my sweats on. Surprisingly, there's not much on TV tonight which is fine since I most likely won't last much longer. Mom & I are going to check out the after-Christmas sales tomorrow, woo hoo!

Garrett and I are back to talking, and I'm enjoying it while it lasts. Only 7 more weeks until he's home...

I can't believe I am going to be 24 years old tomorrow. Where has this past year gone? I'd say it's gone quickly, but there are parts that went slowly (such as school, and this deployment) and for such a "quick" year, a lot sure as hell has happened.

I went from being a single 23 year old girl, finding my spirit again after having my heartbroken by someone I thought I loved..I finally scored and secured a ridiculously well paying job in a career field I enjoy and can excel in. Then there's not to mention all the dating drama in between, and trying to sort out what kind of person I wanted to be with, or if I wanted to be with anyone for that matter--all the while trying to finish my bachelors, pay my own bills and still have fun (which is essential in your early 20s.)

BAM. God had other plans for me, apparently. In July I find out I'm having a baby...and 3 weeks later I'm married. As the days go by Ive been telling myself that everything happens for a reason and even though a curve ball (or 5) has/have been thrown my way, that's no excuse to keep pursuing what I want out of life. As I sit here on the eve of my 24th birthday and look back at all that's happened during my 23rd year, I wonder how much more I can handle in the upcoming year. In a few short months I will be having a baby boy, my husband will be returning from deployment..and I'll need to sort my marriage out. A lot of work for a 24 year old. A lot of work for anyone at any age. At least I can say I've finished my education, so I have that going for me. But, it's no longer about me..its about keeping my baby boy safe, healthy and happy. At all times.

Garrett and I continue to have our ups and downs. Last week I looked into moving companies because I was literally at the end of my rope. Moves from San Diego to Florida (I was planning to move to my moms) are not cheap, although that's not necessarily a deciding factor. I had written Garrett an email asking if I could take my car (his name is on it, too) and if he would help me make the payments until I could get back to work after the baby was born. He wrote me back saying he would support me in any way possible with whatever decision I made, but begged me not to go. We've had a few heart to heart conversations since then, and he admits he needs help, real professional counseling to help him with his issues. And, at this point I don't want to move back to FL, find a new doctor in my 3rd trimester, and give up on my marriage/father of my child before he even gets home. I let Garrett know in no uncertain terms that if things don't change, if he doesn't seek help--as soon as I'm healed from my C-Section the baby and I will be on our way, and if I leave, I will never come back. I am confident in saying that.

Only 8 more weeks or so until he comes home. I can't believe it's that close, although still feels kind of far away. I finished my finals at UCSD this week, I just have a French final exam (oral tomorrow, written on Wednesday) and some online coursework to finish for my music class...then I will be done. Done with school, done done done. Until I apply for my masters, that is ;) I am looking forward to only having to get up and go to work everyday, not worry about homework, looming assignments and other responsibilities. I can enjoy the holidays, decorate, do little projects to occupy my time and of course decorate the nursery! How exciting.

24 will be a challenging year, but looking at what I've dealt with so far in my life...I'm not scared. I will have more reason than ever, with Mason's arrival, to get up and keep going everyday. I just can't wait for him to get here!

Can you tell I'm bored, and that I've become great at procrastinating with schoolwork? I should be doing a ton of reading right now, but when I read, I'm not absorbing the words. Probably because I'm exhausted. I've found I have most energy in the beginning of the day, and it dwindles down from there. So, tomorow morning over coffee I plan on plowing through most of the reading I need to get done for 2 out of the 3 assignments I need to complete by Tuesday. I'm 90% sure I am going to take Monday off. As much as I don't want to, I'm not going to feel bad about it because I don't plan on taking any time off (except for paid holidays) between next week, and the time Garrett comes home. I'll be here in San Diego for the holidays, and might as well go to work between Christmas and New Years because a) no one will be there and b) its easy money and I'll have nothing else to do ;) But, everyday counts between now and Dec 11th when school is over..so might as well take Monday to get school work done (I have 1 paper due Monday night, 2 due sometime on Tuesday) plus spend a little more time with my mom before she leaves Tuesday morning. Anyway..enough rambling about that!

( More Rambling.. )
Anyway..I'm off to snuggle with Jack..more shopping to do tomorrow ;)

Thanksgiving seemed like just another day, seeing that I didn't go to a friends house, or have people over. It's the first Thanksgiving I think..ever..where it's just been my mom and I. Usually I try to have a big group of people over (those who don't have family locally, or single marines/sailors/whatever that can't make it home for the holidays..friends of friends that wouldn't have anyone to share the day with..) but I guess being pregnant this year, I was just too tired to throw something together, especially seeing that Garrett isn't here for it. I pretty much bummed around all day...watched movies, did homework, ran to Old Navy for their "big" Thanksgiving sale (which was crappy, at least yesterday) and my mom and I ate around 330. It was a low-key, mostly stress free day. Mom, of course, started getting on me about why I was on the computer so much (I was on chat with Garrett for awhile yesterday afternoon) and started ragging on me for not helping her in the kitchen..yet everytime I went in there she was like "I got it, I got it! go sit down." I finally flipped my semi-bitch switch when she gave me attitude and said "what could you possibly be doing on the computer all afternoon?!" to which I replied, "talking to my HUSBAND who's in a WAR ZONE on a holiday. you get to talk to your boyfriend everyday. leave me alone!" That was the end of that.

I'm not venturing out for black friday today..I get irritated enough as it is with large crowds and long lines. I did score some good deals on oldnavy.com for Garrett and the baby (wouldve gotten a lot more if their website hadn't crashed around 10pm PST last night..but when I ordered this morning I got the same deals, with the exception of a few things that were sold out.) I also ordered 2 shirts and a pair of black pants from Destination Maternity that were on a good sale..but that's about it for me! I'd like to get out of the house today at some point..kind of getting cabin fever. But, we'll see. I know it's a mad house out there!

Now, just a week left of school, then the next week it's my birthday and the next week is Christmas. Holy cow..it's going to be January before I know it...then hopefully Garrett will be home in February. I'm trying to be patient and hope for the best...but we'll just have to see if he gets here in time for Mason's big arrival!

I know I should be thankful that I have a healthy pregnancy, a great job, and I'm about to finish my bachelor's. I know that after all Garrett and I have been through, maybe I shouldn't be missing him in the way I am. I am sure a lot of this has to do with pregnancy emotions, unwinding from all the stress and just trying to get through the motions of the holidays..but I miss him so much. Little things like holiday grocery shopping, decorating, and just overall being together for the day-to-day. I tell Garrett quite often that I miss him, and I wish he was here..and unfortunately (although, why am I surprised?) I get this response that I'm "wearing him thin" telling him how I wish he was here, and I miss him and want him home. However, every time I tell him those things, I make sure preface it with "I know it's out of your control.." or something to that effect so that he can see I'm just trying to tell him how I feel, rather than trying to guilt him into for not being here, and feeling powerless about it. It'd be nice to get a response like, "babe, wish I could be there with you too..not much longer," but I'm just made to feel like crap for telling my husband that I miss him. Oh, my bad.

Hopefully next year, if all goes well, we will be together for the holidays. Garrett, Mason and myself (plus Duke and Jack, of course) whether we're in DC, or elsewhere--as long as we're together. I'm just ready to get through holidays and get into January..because he should be home sometime in February (I hope) and it's closer to our little boy getting here. I can't wait to have this deployment behind us...almost there.

Here' s Duke supporting his troops ;)

And at least 12 more to go..

That's the first time I've counted how many weeks are left.. I'm 24 weeks pregnant now, plus at least 12 weeks to go until he gets home, which means I'll be at least 36 weeks pregnant by the time he gets home..if he makes it in time for Mason. I guess I just have to accept the fact that he may not be here by the time Mason makes his big arrival, which will be devastating, but some things are just out of my control. I try not to think about it, because again, worrying/stressing about it won't change anything.

These last few days, I've been missing Garrett a lot more. I'm tired of this deployment, I'm tired of the BS coming between us. I'm just ready for him to be home and get back to "normal" is, or try to find what normal is between us. We're on the schedule to transfer to DC in June, which I am really excited about. I figure I have to give it a shot for Mason and I..move out there, give it a year and see where things go. I think it will be great for Garrett and I to live in a new city, where neither of us have any history, and just explore it together. Sure, i was born in the DC area..but only lived there until about 3rd grade. It's still one of my favorite spots though..so I'm looking forward to moving out there, having a nice big house with a big yard for all the boys (Jack, Duke & Mason) to run around in.

I'm just kind of in a blah mood today. Miss him a lot, all BS aside.

I gave my presentation tonight in my History of Gender and Law class..phew, one more assignment behind me! That's pretty much it until finals which are the 2nd week of December. It's nice to have a little lull in assingments so I can catch my breath...now this weekend I need to take the opportunity to catch up yet again in my music class (which is online, and an elective) and I'll be all set. Almost there, almost there. Yay!

Work is looking up..my boss told me last week that he's pretty certain our contracts are getting extended, and he's not the type to give false impressions. I mean..who would lead on a pregnant chic, anyway? Work has stayed busy and I keep getting assigned new tasks (some at a higher level) which I am excited about. I am even more so looking forward to being done with school so that I can give work 100% of my attention during the day, instead of doing the whole balancing act.

Things with Garrett continue to be a roller coaster, but right now I'm just committed to getting through these next few weeks of school. My mom comes out November 20th, and I'm really looking forward to that. Kori is going to visit Jake in Arkansas for Thanksgiving, so it'll just be my mom and I here, but it'll be some nice downtime before the last push for finals.

Life has been pretty boring--consumed by work and school so not much else to report...hope everyone else is diong well!!


PS--we're over 1/2 way through the deployment!!

It's been awhile since I posted. I guess I was getting tired of posting the same crap about one lame day after another, so just took a break from blogging altogether. Over the past week that I've had "off" from LJ--by the way, I was still lurking journals, commenting..just not posting--I took a trip back to Florida, which was actually great. I saw some great friends that I hadn't seen from awhile (some that are even SD transplants!) and just wore a smile the entire weekend. Getting back on the plane on Sunday morning was a very hard decision, but I did it. Monday was an emotional nightmare for me..I did not want to come back to reality. I wanted to stay in Florida, I wanted to just keep being happy.

Garrett was still being rediculously crappy to me, and I had reached my absolute wits end with him. I lost my mind. Literally, temporary moment of insanity, I'm going to jump of a cliff right now insanity. I think I can officially say that Garrett is the only persono who has seen me at my absolute worst (as much as you can "see" via gmail chat.) He basically told his command i was having a breakdown (because I was) but of course didn't tell them why (because he's been a jerkface.) Long story short, Garrett's boss/mentor/pseudo-dad took me out to dinner on Tuesday night. I could totally tell he thought I was being a whiny, needy wife before he showed up. Then we got to talking, I showed him the emails and chat conversations..and he got a clear picture of where Garrett's and I marriage was going south. Garrett's boss wrote him a great email about turning things around, getting it together and being a husband first, then a marine. Needless to say, Garrett and I have had some really constructive conversations over the past few days, and things have been SO MUCH BETTER. I think Garrett needed someone (someone whos been through this--his boss has been a Marine for over 25 years, about to celebrate his 20th wedding anniversary..he gets this kind of thing) say that this is all going to be ok.

Anyway...Garrett emailed his boss and asked about PCS options for when he returns (Garrett was supposed to PCS awhile back, but then got scheduled to deploy so they held him over at Miramar) and other than recruting he has the opportunity to go to Hawaii, New Orleans (reserve squadron), Cherry Point, NC, Okinawa and DC to fly Gulfstream Fives. We're both pretty psyched about DC--I was born there, and still love the area. I think we're going to make that decision..anyone have any imput? We'd be at Andrews AFB. Of course, as all of us military know nothing is guaranteed until orders are on paper and we're on that plane east..but, it's something to get excited about.

I had a baby doctor appointment yesterday--thank goodness all the genetic testing came back "normal," as did the anatomy ultrasound. Next up: gestational diabetes test. boo. I also have to start the rhogam shots eventually (forgot to ask, i'm going to call doctor back tomorrow) since I'm RH negative. Yay for all the fun pregnant things.

Other than that..midterms are out of the way..less than 5 weeks left and school will be over. Most of my weekends going forward will be spent doing final projects, papers and getting raedy for finals. My mom is coming out to San Diego November 20th, and I'm looking forward to her visit for Thanksgiving. Anyway...going to fold some laundry. Friday is almost here!!!
 

Thank GOD it's Friday. Literally, THANK YOU. I am so tired after this week--I had 3 papers due and a midterm. I was able to get through everything, and it feels good to know that it's all behind me..and now I'm on the downhill of my last semester at UCSD. Wow, can't believe it..but it's finally happening! Woo hoo!

I've been struggling to keep myself awake/comfortable today. The baby has been in the most awkward, uncomfortable position yesterday and today--like legs all up in my ribs. Not so fun, kiddo. Anytime you wanna turn around is fine by me! Geez! I can't wait to get home and relax after work..but I had a slow start to the morning, and my boss saw me come in so I have to stay my time. My co-worker left at 130, I'm jealous! But, things have been quiet around here so I've been doing a mix of back-burner projects, homework, and web surfing :p Not really too hard of an 8 hour shift!

Things with Garrett are still..blah. I'm over it. I'm exhausted, and I'm tired of being exhausted from dealing with his bullshit. I was able to pay off one credit card this week, so it feels good to sign onto NavyFed and see a "0.00" balance but I still have one to work on. Garrett asked me what I want for my birthday (it's coming up December 14th) and i told him I really didn't want anything. If he won't spend a little bit of money to help me pay down bills, then I certainly don't need his gifts. Plus, I know he's getting me something just so I won't bitch..not because he acutally wants to get me something.

All of our conversations end poorly, and to be honest, I'm just over it. I was sitting at home yesterday again, just thinking that if I wasn't 5 weeks away from receiving my degree, I would go pack my suitcase, throw Jack and Duke in the car and just leave. I've had that thought a lot lately. My other idea is that if he comes back and he's still an asshole..well then, he can go live in the barracks until baby is old enough (and both of us are well enough) to travel and I can get a moving truck to come get everything either to move me to a new place to or move me back to Florida. For now though...I'm ignoring his insults, his money "worries" (that are totally invalid), and other stressors he inflicts on me and I'm enjoying the day to day as much as possible. It's gotten to the point that I couldnt care less if I talk to him or not. The days I do talk to him, I just get worn out emotionally and put into a "funk" that sometimes takes forever to shake. Today when he said to me "I hope Dave was worth it," I just shrugged it off and had to laugh to myself. Afterall, I'm not the one with my face all over match.com or hotornot personals..now am I? I can't believe I married him.

Anyway...I get to see my little man tomorrow. I have the anatomy ultrasound tomorrow at 9am. Other than my massage that I have this evening (that I am TOTALLY looking forward to,) I don't have any other plans. I need to take Duke to get his shots (and really should make that priority since I won't be here next weekend,) and i have a take home midterm to finish...and of course need to start putting together some cute outfits for my trip next week.


Alright..gonna finish a few things up around here and then head home in a little while. Hope everyone had a great week!

about problems with Garrett, but this seems to be my only release. Today I got a notice in the mail from NavyFed that my credit cards are jumping a whopping 7% due to "new policies". So, that means my APRs will be in the mid-high teens, from what was under 10%. I have minimal balances on them ($3600 total,) so I figured Garrett would want to pay them off and close them..since he already complains about the 6% rate on my car. I emailed him about it, then talked to him when he signed online. I asked him if he would transfer me the money to which he replied "not only no..but hell no. you're gonna have to figure your way outta this one kiddo. those were expenses you had before you met me." I was honestly shocked. I was like..well, you bought your dream car before you met me, but the price for the premium gas and adhoc parts comes out of our joint checking account where my paycheck is deposited into--and well, I don't benefit from that. Not to mention, he hasn't had to buy a thing to furnish this house, except for the $500 WE spent out of our joint account for our new dining set..everything else is mine, and I mean this house is FULLY furnished.

I reminded him that should I get laid off, and/or while on maternity leave he'd have to help me pay my bills, because well, they're OUR bills now. He said "why me?" He said he didn't realize he was "marrying into so much debt." He went and on and on about how he worked so hard to keep his debt at zero and blah blah blah. Right. Because I haven't worked hard working full time for the past 4 years and going to UCSD full time and paying my own way..and now I'm nearly 5 months pregnant, taking 23 classes and still working at least 40 hours a week.  While he was saving pay checks, I was paying tuition for my bachelors. So, he chose to have a hefty bank account, I chose to have a bachelor's degree and a tool to climb up the corporate ladder. I wanted to be nasty and make snarky remarks about how when he gets out he won't be able to get any kind of job without any education, but I bit my tongue. That was the life he chose, and that's fine, I stand by it. But do NOT make it sound like I've just spent the past few years racking up bills and now want someone else to clean up my mess because that's not it. I tried to be a good wife and talk to him about making an informative, unified decision. Now I wish I had just paid the balances out of our savings account and explained later. It's a catch-22. If I don't pay it off, I'll get bitched at about the APRs, and I think it's a waste of money to pay high interest when we are perfectly capable of paying it off. But, if I use my next few paychecks to pay off the balance (I get paid weekly) I will get bitched at for not contributing to our joint account. I'm just SO TIRED of everything being an argument.

Of course, I was having a great day, too. I worked from home because San Diego highways were paralyzed this morning due to some woman threatening to jump off an overpass on the 5, sending severe overflow traffic to the other highways...so I got a lot of work work and school work done, went to the commissary, went to Costco, and took Jack to AJs Kids Crane (toy drive fundraiser) to donate some toys. Then I came home to him just being nasty. So, here we are..back at square one. I ran the numbers tonight, and we will have plenty of money in savings in a month..and I hope within the next 30 days I will know if they're keeping us on as contractors or not. If they are, then instead of spending money on Christmas, I will chip away at my debt. Because apparently, it's only mine. It just breaks my heart because I brought everything I own into this marriage (and believe me, my furniture was thousands of dollars..just to make a point here) and made it his/ours the day we got married. When he talks about the projects he wants to do to his car when he gets back, I don't wince (even though we have a baby on the way) because I know he's working hard for the pay. But apparently, it's just his pay, and not our pay.

I literally sat on MY couch tonight, watching MY flat screen tv and looked at the dogs and thought "this is all I have." These are the only two things in my daily life that I love, and they love me back unconditionally. Today when I brought up to him how he always talks about buying the 2011 Challenger, he said "its something to think about to get me through the day." My husband thinks about a CAR to get him through the day. Not me. Not our baby. A chunk of metal. Whatever road to repair I thought I was on these past few days, turned out just to be a short, dead end path. Honestly, if I didn't have 5 weeks left of school, I would've packed as much as I could've into my car, along with Duke and Jack and just started driving. Destination unknown. Not caring if and where I made it, or even thinking about coming back.

  I can't believe it's Sunday afternoon already..what a whirlwind of a weekend. But, in the end I feel like while I haven't gotten a ton of homework done, I have gotten a lot of rest. Friday afternoon my mother in law came into town, and we spent Friday evening, and Saturday afternoon/Evening together. Saturday during the day she did her yoga thing with one of her girlfriends who lives down here, so that I could study. In reality, I slept until about 12:30. My body has been so tired between being pregnant, working, and dealing with midterm weeks at UCSD for the 5 classes I'm taking. I'm trying not to get overwhelmed...I make weekly "lesson plans" for myself so that I can map out what I'm going to do each day, and I find it pretty rewarding (in a kindergarten type way lol) to be able to cross things off each day. I have a paper proposal  and an essay due Tuesday, and a paper for another class due Wednesday, along with everything else that is "routine" for each week. I was finally able to get caught up with my online class (stayed up til midnight on Thursday night to accomplish said task,) but received As on all of it, so I suppose it was worth it :p

MIL and I had a good time together. Friday night we went to Old Town for dinner, and we spent over 2 hours talking. I learned a lot more about Garrett, Zach (his brother that passed away,) and just the family in general. I realized, though, that spending time with her made me miss Garrett so much more. She is super supportive, and really enthusiastic that our little family is going to work out (not in an oblivious, irrational type of way) she realizes it's going to take some work for Garrett to come around (and for Garrett and I to work together,) but she is excited for us. Saturday we met up in the afternoon after I rose from my deep slumber and she got back from yoga. We spent some more time talking, then she tooks us for pedicures/manicures which was great, and I treated to dinner. It was a good, non-stressful visit.

Today I woke up to take MIL to train station, and when I got home decided I wanted to go back to bed..so, I did. I slept from 10-1230 (again.) The muscles in my stomach are making way for baby to grow, so I feel like i have a charlie horse around my belly button. yuck. you can feel the muscles all hard. blech. Not to mention my back is hurting all the time now (due to pre-existing, pre-pregnancy injury) so yeah,  life is fun. Plus, I much rather sleep than read about the Cuban Revolution and write a paper. Uggh..now I have to do that. Bummer! I did take the dogs to this little park in my old neighborhood today...its basically a big green field, with a sidewalk/track around it and a few playgrounds. I can't take Duke to the dog park yet because he doesn't have all his shots, but I didn't wanna leave him at home, either. So, off we went and we spent about an hour there. It was really nice and breezy with the sun out. Jack played with another dog that happened to be there so he got to run around, and Duke perfected his game of fetch. They are both passed out now..so, mission accomplished!

Ok, no more procrastinating on homework!! Hope everyone enjoyed their weekend!